Midlife Divorce

Women and the Midlife Divorce

Divorce Resource Radio Broadcast

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Caroline Dott, PhD, LCSW, CGP, interviewed by Margo Swann, Founder

Dr. Caroline Dott is a Midlife Specialist in private practice in Atlanta. Her PhD doctoral dissertation for which she researched midlife, menopausal women, formed the basis for her deep interest and specialization in midlife adults, couples and families. She also earned a master’s degree in social work in 1968 and a master’s degree in clinical psychology in 1994. She is a group psychotherapist certified by the American Group Psychotherapy Association. She has worked with adult women, men, couples and families for over 30 years. Dr. Dott “lives” the midlife experience personally, being married to a midlife man with whom she has four grown children, three sons-in-law, and their first grandchild. Continuous personal growth for herself and for all interested others excites her the most!

Questions for Discussion:

1. Let’s define “the midlife divorce.” First, what is considered “midlife?”

From a biological scientific viewpoint, midlife typically begins for men about age 40 and for women, about age 45 and can be life-changing. However, this defines midlife on only one dimension, the biological or physiological. Other realms include the emotional and the spiritual. Within these last two areas, there is wide variance in when one arrives at “midlife.” People often ask me, “When is Midlife?” My frequent answer is, “When you think you’re there, you probably are!”

The interesting thing about “midlife” is that there are many occurrences that may catapult one into midlife in any of these three realms. The “midlife divorce” may occur in middle young adulthood, as mine did when I divorced my first husband in my late 20’s. I had not had my children yet, I was certainly not close to menopause, but emotionally, I was on an exciting personal growth journey that I needed to take in order to become an independent adult woman. Until age 28, I had never lived and supported myself independently.

Another event that can stimulate a woman into feeling that “midlife” has arrived is an unexpected, perhaps traumatic health challenge. Discovering that she has breast cancer, heart disease, or rheumatoid arthritis, potentially life-changing events, can bring one’s reality into stark focus, contributing to deep reflection on the quality of one’s life. Thus, the “midlife divorce” must often be addressed as the most visual and raw layer on top of a sometimes complex and challenging tapestry of current life experiences that can include everyday life tasks, health problems in either the spouses and/or children, financial challenges, and aging parent issues. A less obvious "trigger" is the accumulation of several major life stressors that were not adequately addressed as they occurred, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed, unrecognized depression and the need to escape and "get away from it all." The latter is more insidious because folks often are unaware of the effect of these stressors, do not understand the importance of addressing them nor how to do it. Thus, unfortunately, waiting too long can lead to too late, resulting in what might have been preventable divorce.

2. Erik Erikson is the “father” of the concept of life stages of development. Why is this idea significant and relevant to the challenges of going through a divorce at midlife?

According to Erikson, “midlife” at its more traditional time of the 40’s to 60’s, is a life stage in which our main task is generativity, or deciding how we will use our skills and abilities to leave a legacy to enhance our world for the next generation. The reality for the majority of people going through a midlife divorce is that their “here and now, just get through each day” plate is way too full even to think about how to contribute to the world! Their lives are, of necessity, put on “hold” or even jammed into reverse to an earlier stage of development called “survival.” Thus, developmentally, dealing with divorce at midlife, whenever that occurs, interrupts the normal course of psychological, emotional & perhaps spiritual development. Arriving at this often overwhelming crossroad gives us an amazing opportunity to choose a new direction or road to pursue that, ultimately, will enhance our growth, development and interest as people.

3. How is the midlife divorce similar to divorce at any other life stage?

Whether divorce takes place in the early or late 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s+, we are challenged to assess, think and act upon survival tasks for ourselves and our children, to feel and to work through similar feelings of anger, disappointment, fear, anxiety, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, and at times, relief and a sense of freedom and new life. The most important task at any life stage is to take the best care of ourselves and our children that we can.

4. How does the midlife divorce differ from divorce at other life stages, and therefore present unique challenges?

a. First & foremost, a midlife divorcing female may also be in some stage of perimenopause---the time around actual menopause when her estrogen hormone is decreasing naturally in her ovaries, usually starting about age 45. If so, or if she is divorcing near the time when she had a total hysterectomy including removal of her ovaries, she may be experiencing physiological and emotional changes related purely to this menopause transition, unrelated to the divorce and exacerbated or increased by the major stress of divorce. This can occur whether she initiated the divorce or she was served for the divorce. In other words, the stress can be “good or + stress” in terms of emotional relief, or negative stress in terms of the many negative emotions that accompany getting divorced.

b. Secondly, the midlife woman may or may not be in a better financial position than the divorcing woman at another, younger or older life stage. If she has her own career & income, she may feel more financially secure than her younger, or older, counterpart. However, if she’s been a stay-at-home Mom who never had a career & raised or is still raising the children, she may find herself in a quickly declining financial situation. Her final financial condition could depend upon one or more options:

1) A considerate ex-husband who understands the sacrifices she made in relation to her own independence in order to raise their children,

2) Her ability to hire a competent lawyer who will look after her needs,

3) Her ability to return to the work world & take charge of her earning power.

c. If she has children, they may be close to or at young adulthood and moving out of the home to attend college or work. This may free her to create new life goals for herself, such as returning to an interrupted career, returning to school to enhance career opportunities, or to create an entirely new path in her life. If children are in college, a creative financing plan may need to be worked out with the ex-spouse.

d. If she does or does not have children & becomes aware through the divorce process that she has become too dependent on her husband for many things, then she finally has the wonderful opportunity to address those areas of personal growth that she has neglected. Accepting this exciting challenge will only create increased self-confidence, skills and a resilience that no one can take away from her.

5. So, taking into consideration the differences between the midlife divorce and divorce at other life stages, what are the most important issues for the midlife divorced woman to address?

a. First, second and third, the midlife divorcing woman must attend to her own health and well-being. This is a time in life to ask for help and support from trusted family and friends with whom she feels comfortable. If she finds that she is at perimenopause, commonly known for symptoms such as hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness, and at times headaches, depression and anxiety, her first appointment should be with her gynecologist for a complete checkup, including having blood drawn and requesting at least the following blood serum lab levels: TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone), Free T4 (thyroxin, to rule out hyperthyroidism), FSH (follicle stimulating hormone), and perhaps an estradiol level (E2). At midlife, some women experience a change in their TSH level which is significant because our thyroid hormone is the main “driver” for all our other hormones functioning normally in the body. If the TSH level is below normal, then we will not receive the benefits of other hormones even if their levels are normal. Of course, a Pap Smear and Mammogram should be part of the workup.

b. If you are confused about financial issues and planning for yourself and any children, consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to help you. A friend or relative who is a CFP could provide free support to you in this area.

c. If needed and possible, even taking out a student loan, update your skills and/or return to school in your area of passionate interest in order to position yourself for financial independence as soon as possible.

d. Assess where you are in your own personal growth---areas of strength and knowledge, areas of weakness and need for further education---in order to reach your adult potential in areas important for your livelihood and life fulfillment. Then create a plan to fill in the gaps of your knowledge/skill base and begin taking seminars, classes, etc. to pursue your goals. Consider making your own personal growth a lifelong goal! Research shows that lifelong learners live longer, healthier, more satisfying lives than others!

6. What is the most time-efficient, hopefully effective way for her to address biological menopausal issues with an M.D.?

Ask for at least a half-hour appointment (two 15 minute segments) with your Ob-Gyn. Write down your list of issues and questions, starting with the most important ones first. Then assert yourself, or, take a trusted friend with you who can help you ask the relevant questions and write down the answers for you. You are responsible for your own health.

7. How can she determine if she may be going into a clinical depression versus the necessary and expected period of grieving that any divorcing woman will experience?

Grieving is a normal response to any major loss and results in periods of sadness, crying, and need for time alone to be aware of and feel the sadness and loss. With time, these feelings will become less acute. Usually the person can continue to function on a daily basis. Planned grieving times may be helpful, i.e. decide to spend regular, time-limited periods of grieving in the evening away from work and other necessary activities to ensure working through the loss.

Depression is one of the most under-recognized, debilitating and under-treated emotional challenges in women and men. It is 4 times more prevalent in women than men. It is the most treatable of clinical mental problems.

You can suspect clinical depression if for 2 weeks or more for most of every day, you:

1. Feel down, irritable and no pleasure in everyday activities

2. Are tired, have trouble sleeping, either going to sleep or staying asleep

3. Want to sleep too much or too little

4. Have no or too much appetite, leading to lost or gained weight

5. Are unable to carry out daily functions and work

6. Feel weepy for no apparent reason

7. Have no interest in sexuality

8. Want to isolate from people

9. Have no energy or drive to do anything

10. Feel worthless, guilty, or want to die

8. Why is it so important for a woman to obtain professional help if she is clinically depressed?

Depression is associated with virtually every major illness. If you are clinically depressed, your immune system is also depressed, leaving you more vulnerable to illnesses. Low self-esteem and self-confidence are associated with depression because you cannot function up to your usual level, which is even more depressing. In short, when we are depressed, we have neurochemical brain imbalances in the hormones serotonin, epinephrine & dopamine, which affect our ability to focus and concentrate, memory, mood, physical drive & motivation, sleep and appetite. We simply cannot “make ourselves function normally” when all of these systems are out of whack. This is a biologically-based disorder that requires management.

Research shows unequivocably that the combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy results in the most improvement and best outcomes for clinical depression. Additionally, excellent, specific nutrition and exercise must become part of the person’s lifestyle to overcome and maintain a depression-free life. Within the course of therapy, there are numerous other tools that one needs to learn and use regularly to heal from depression and remain well emotionally

9. Since there are many similarities between the midlife divorce and divorce at other stages of life, what feelings and issues do women divorcing at any stage of life need to address and resolve?

First of all, the main feelings we all feel in life are sad, glad, fear, anger, and anxiety. All other emotions we label “feelings” are some variation of these in intensity. What we often do not learn growing up is emotional regulation or management. This may be your best time to become an expert at emotional management.

At the top of the list are usually sadness, anxiety and anger. In some cases, one is or becomes “glad.” What I usually hear is how overwhelmed the woman is by everything. We simply cannot deal with “everything” regardless of how expert we may be at multi-tasking. When confronted with the tasks of getting through each day while feeling overwhelmed, we need to manage our emotions so they don’t constantly escalate and “flood” our brains to prevent us from thinking and planning. Write down in simple words the 3 feelings you feel most often. Give yourself planned time each day to feel and express them either verbally to the universe, in writing addressed to the recipient, or physically by walking/exercising them off. Give yourself a daily cleansing “emotional bath” that is similar to a daily physical bath.

Having cleared your “emotional channels” somewhat, you can then think more clearly and plan what you need to accomplish each day by prioritizing with a written “to do” list. Check items off as you do them which is like giving yourself a “gold star!”

10. What specific emotional “work” must women carry out in order to be able to complete the cleansing and healing process that enables them to move on with their live?

The main healthy goal needs to be to get rid of negative, toxic feelings & energy in & around the body, psyche & soul, and learn to create positive energy within & around you. Women must create the time to get rid of all the anger, sadness and disappointment they have accumulated and get to the point of letting go of it. This is individual---you take as long as you take to do this work. If your goal is to take the best care of yourself, which it needs to be, then create regular “emotional cleansing times” to express and let go of these negative, toxic feelings.

11. How can women do this emotional work?

Verbal expression, exercise, writing, rituals, ceremony, creative methods that give relief to the woman, with these protections: You do not hurt yourself or anyone else or anything that is important to you or anyone else.

12. There are many other issues that midlife divorcing women must face. What are they and what are your suggestions for managing them?

For the legal & financial issues, ask family or friends in these fields to guide you or hire a lawyer or CFA or CFP. Read appropriate guidebooks about divorce that cover the issues you need to address.

13. What are the often precious and invaluable “gifts” that the midlife divorcing woman will create for herself, and often unwittingly give to her children, when she accepts the challenges inherent in going through this process?

Becoming an expert at taking care of herself. Being a role model of personal growth for herself and her children, a lifelong “gift” that no one can take away from her or them!

(Read “Affirmation for My New Self” by Donna Henes)

Caroline Dott, PhD, LCSW, CGP

Midlife Specialist, Therapist, Professional Speaker

Riverbend Ob-Gyn & Counseling

993 Johnson Ferry Road, NE

Suite D-360

Atlanta, GA 30342

Office: 404-250-1350

Website: www.midlife-passages.com

Dr. Caroline Dott is available to speak on the psychology of female and male menopause as well as issues related to the midlife-transitions of women and men. She is particularly interested in behavioral issues affecting management level personnel at midlife and how midlife transitions effect function and performance in the workplace. She has lectured on related issues such as managing the effects of corporate downsizing on both male and female midlife executives. She is available to give seminars on the topics covered in this website both nationally and internationally.

Hit Counter